Yes? No?

It's strange to think that after three years of dreading the possibility, I'm now reading every sign of my body to be affirmative. The idea that I could be nurturing life inside is a fascinating and hopeful one. I don't want to get too excited as we are about to go away on vacation with a couple that has a two year old as well as one on the way. Facing the fact that I might start menstrating again while with them is not that exciting. But the idea that I might not, is. That is the most unbalanced part of this journey: not knowing. It's been a long time since I had this uncertainity -- since applying for jobs, or waiting for the results of my PhD defense. That's why it's called faith.

Are you pregnant yet?

"Are you pregnant?" This was a question that the check-in desk attendant put to me and a friend as we were issued our boarding passes for a return flight yesterday.

"No, we're not," my friend said.

"Well, at least one of us might be," I countered. This is the truth; as I write I don't know if I am or not. And I don't know if I dare hope to be or not. So I feel nothing, trying not the read the signs of my body one way or another. Is it PMS? Or is the early signs of life growing inside me?

I spent the week with my friend, the young mother, as part of a panel presenting at an academic conference. My friend had the idea to return home early as she missed her one year old baby and husband. I had a lot of work to do and relished the idea of being home two days earlier than planned to recover from the week of being away. Of course I hoped my husbad and I might also spend a little time together over the weekend, knowing we had busy weeks ahead.

I enjoyed sharing a room and in general a good time with my friend on our trip despite the constant mentions of her baby, motherhood. She knew we were trying to conceive and had been one of the constant 'just checking in' inquirers over the past three years. I shared with her our experience thus far -- she herself had taken six months to get pregnant when first trying.

The week before leaving for a conference, I had a catch up with a college friend over the phone. She told me in detail that I really appreciated, about her own year journey with conception and her recent discovery that she had regularly had her period but not been ovulating.

"I spent most of my life trying not to get pregnant," she said in her charming North Carolina accent that I missed from our college days. "And now that it's okay, I can't to save my life."

We laughed at that and about this blog; about all the people around us that were 'popping them out' and our desire to maintain our careers, marriages, and the prospect of families.

Now I'm back home and oddly our very good friends have not officially invited us to their son's two year old birthday party tomorrow. They are pregnant with their second child and their first is like a nephew to us. We think of him at the airport on various trips around the world and were there the day after he was born. We've taken vacations with them and have another one coming up soon.

Did they not invite us because we don't have a child and this was a child's party? This seemed a strange but plausible explanation. Which leads me to the question: if we aren't able to have a baby for some reason -- and it's far too early to say yea or nay on this -- is this the future that awaits us? Awkwardness as people prattle on about their infant children; isolation from those events that invovled young families?

Normally I think women feel spurts of jealousy when they see others with husbands or babies that they want to have for their own. But this week I felt neither, just a mild curiosity about observing my own lack of reaction from afar, like an out of body experience. I conditioned myself to life the life I wanted; I didn't want to be a mother of three at twenty like my mother or twenty three like my sister.

I've always said I would love to adopt and stand by that as we head into our fifth month of 'trying.' This week we should know for sure either way what is happening. If not, the plan is to be tested when we are home for the holidays. What a journey bringing a life into the world is.

They never go to the bathroom

In the movies, after the deed, they never go to the bathroom. Anyone else think that is false advertising?

Was just writing to my newly married friend who had a UTI (urinary tract infection) and the irony struck me: sometimes you have to get up right after to make sure the germs don't invade your system. Other times you have to lay there, hoping that they do.

This week I was pleasantly surprised by a chat with a colleague, a woman who teaches at a university nearby. Ambitions and newly married, she also is in this mad process of making your body do something it could have done much easier ten years ago.

It felt good to share that with someone in the same stage.

"I'm the oldest in the house," she said, "so I have no one to really look to on this."

I'm the middle child and my sister has three kids. So there's plenty of knowledge there. But as usual I'd rather feel everything even the scary stuff rather than be told 'it will all be alright' or 'everything will happen in time.' Both may be true but neither really help in the duration.

Someone Else's Dream

I am not a fifteen year old girl living in a remote rural village part. Nor was I part of a generation of women who were sent to college by parents expecting tuition dollars to also result in M-R-S degrees. I no longer participate in any spiritual tradition that advises women are like children, better seen and not heard, preferably kept at home.

Twenty years ago my mother was told “not to worry” about her high school final exams because she was getting married. Her husband, the son of a well known government clerk in Madras, India, would look after everything.

I’m not my mother. I didn’t get married at seventeen, but at twenty seven. I didn’t live in one house until adulthood, shielded from external windows and the passerby on the street, but wearing sleeveless shirts and shorts across three countries on two continents.

Yet, for all our differences, and my generation’s “advances”, I remain plagued by questions of whether or not I’m having, have had, or even want to have, children. I have never been one to back down from a fight – real or perceived – and I certainly do not like being told what to do unless someone is explaining the rules of a new board game.

To be fair, more than just the South Asian element has been badgering me to discover the rationale behind my delay of maternal luminosity. Everyone: white, Latino, Asian, friends, relatives, even strangers, find my intentions of conversational interest. Since my improbable marriage, it has been open season for questions about my maternal predilections.

At twenty seven, a converted Christian, Indian, Ph.D. student, working in the Middle East, I seemed an unlikely candidate to participate in the ethnic ritual of adulthood: marriage. Resigned forever to be a ‘girl’, so introduced as the unmarried cousin at all future family events, I was happy in having chosen my own road.

But then, the miraculous happened. I met someone in the middle of the Arabian desert. Someone who liked adventure and travel – the items my father most objected to in the matrimonial ad they placed for me in INDIA ABROAD – someone who shared Asian respect for family, home, and hard work.

We got married, to the delighted disbelief of both our families.

There was Bhangra, and Lao slow dancing, samosas and egg rolls, toasts and laughter, tears and sighs of relief. And then there were questions.

“You have baby?” Mr. Yong, our taxi driver during a trip to Malaysia, asks while we standing waiting for my husband, who has conveniently escaped to the restroom.

I shake my head and smile. I like Mr. Yong and have had a few chuckles at his expense – I keep mis-remembering his name as Mr. Wong, shaking my head in amazement at his serpentine waist – so my reflexive guard does not immediately pop up.

“Newly married?” he continues. If his smile at my nod to the affirmative is any indication, this seems to be an acceptable reason.

“Anyway, your baby look good when it born. But don’t wait too long.”

Mr. Yong is, I realize, a Chinese man living in the multiethnic island town of Penang. He must understand the world can no longer be split exclusively on racial lines since he is daily surrounded by Muslim Malays, Hindu Indians, and Buddhist Chinese as well as their descendents who have mixed up these combinations.

Therefore Mr. Yong isn’t worried about the obvious discrepancy that my husband is Thai American and I’m South Asian. Oh no. This is an outmoded argument that national identity is paramount in marital harmony. Mr. Yong is worried I might be too old to have a baby.
This man we have known for the entirety of one day is concerned about the viability of my ovaries.

“Why are you so militant?” my friend asks me during one of our quick lunches, as we munch on croissants and samosas outside the mini mart near the university where we both work. We sit on the warm concrete step of the veranda, unable to persuade the proprietor to provide us with chairs.

“Militant?” I repeat, blinking.

“Well yeah. Every time that subject comes up, all I hear is irritation.”

I squint at her in the afternoon sunlight.

“Why is it anyone else’s business? If I lived in a hut in Africa and had no birth control, okay. What is the point of being modern if nothing changes?”

If people can still ask what your “plan” is - as though they are the ones hosting this sentient being with you, changing endless diapers, waiting up all night for the teenager to stumble home - then I wonder what exactly modern society has changed for women.

“Yeah, sure,” she said, “But how do you really feel about kids?”

I had no real answer for her, only more questions. Where will any of the inquisitive well wishers be when the screaming and throwing and “I hate you” or “you’re grounded,” fill my book filled house?

Who will give us a night off so we can remember why we thought starting a family was a good idea?

Mr. Yong? The women in my book club? My colleagues at work? All of whom seem so interested in our fertility at this moment, will they help wipe applesauce out of my hair?

Somehow I cannot conjure enthusiasm to introduce a fragile, needy, utterly innocent being into this kind of world. A world where I am coerced, forced, nagged into having him or her.

A deep suspicion tells me it will not stop at one. One baby is not the point of all this posturing. Especially if the first one is a girl. It will not stop at until it is a boy. The production of male heirs by the women of my family and the men they marry is not an easy recipe for success; my mother had two daughters before her precious son, my sister stopped trying for a boy after her third daughter was born.

My father-in-law waited until we sat down in the Thai restaurant, the oblong menus placed in our hands and the waiter was a distance away, tending to other diners, before turning towards me, his eyes glowing. This was the first time we were all seeing each other after his son had proposed to me.

“When will I get to hold my first grandchild?”

For my father-in-law and everyone else, I have a question of my own: When will any of you be satisfied?

It is impossible to really known your own heart when so many other voices are clamoring in your head. But the hours I've been spending at work make me wish for something more than the ephermal events that come and go; just when one is finished successfully, there's another in two weeks. I want a lasting contribution to the world. Up until now that has been my creative work - writing. But now I'm starting to wonder if it could be the enermous responsibility of another person.

Keep it Coming

I was in such a hurry this morning I started an ovulation test and then between getting ready for work, finding the maintenance men to stop the leak in the bathroom, and trying to fight through the dump trucks taking up space on the road to work, I forgot to read the result. By the time I called my husband to read it, it was blank. Oh, well I thought, better get on with the day. Sorry or later I'll find out if this is the month. It turned out to be sooner.

In the midst of a morning that continued coming unglued even after I arrived at the office, yes, you guessed it, Aunt Flow came calling as she has every month since I was eleven. I shouldn't complain since it's only month four that I've been on the pill and we have been 'trying.'

This is such an ironic phrase that I can't fathom because for so much of my life - all of it since that Flow's first visit actually - I've been doing the opposite. Disciplining myself (very badly) as a single not to have sex to avoid getting pregnant and now, trying to have as much as we can so that we will.

I shouldn't complain because one of the first short stories I wrote, "Baby" was about a friend's struggle with infertility. That went on for six years; she now has two boys. The average friend seems to take about a year.

Since I was so adamantly not wanting to have a baby up until now I think this period of uncertainty is God's way of making me realize why I do want it. The past few months I've felt a slight hole in my life: I see now we have room for another person. Whereas I used to give help, love, affection, assistance to anyone who wanted it, I'm now hording all of that energy to myself.

What better place to put all this energy than in a baby?

As my husband said when I called him later, "Guess we'll have to keep it coming."

My friend, who is now pregnant with her second, said, "It gets exhausting."

I imagined that in my story "Baby" from what my friend was telling me.

I hope I don't have to find out just how much so in person.

Taking the Fun Out of the S Word

We all know about the birds and bees; they seem so natural when we're sixteen and full of hormones, ready to share the love we feel through our material bodies.

Then what happens ten years or more later when you're with the one you love for life and suddenly the rush of hormones is absent?

I've read a lot about people who exhaust themselves trying to get pregnant and others who time it just right for the days of the ovulation cycle plus everything in between.

It's a grand irony that if you are sixteen you can get pregant in one go and if you are thirty one you have to plan it. A question for heaven.

Throwing It Out

The October 2009 issue of WOMEN’S HEALTH says that birth control is not clinically proven to cause weight gain. But this hasn’t been my experience; in the three years that I’ve been on it, my face grew unrecognizable and while my arms stayed skinny the rest of me ballooned out. This summer I was away from my husband for five weeks and forgot to pack the birth control.

While it was earlier than I planned to go off, I knew from the stories of friends that it could take a while to get pregnant. The dilemma I had was what to do with the four remaining months supply I had to go through complicated logistics to make sure I had living overseas. Each trip to the US meant I had to check my inventory and since I didn’t have a regular doctor, this meant I had to use various clinics all over the country depending on where my trips took me. Waiting rooms full of people without health insurance were a part of this journey but a discussion for another time.

There are four remain NuvaRings in my refrigerator. And while I’ve been off birth control for four months and have no intention of going back on until we have as yet unconcealed baby, I can’t bring myself to throw them out. I see them in the doorway of the fridge, tucked behind the plastic partition reserved for the butter.
I want to throw it out because I know the doctor’s office won’t issue more than four at a time because they are time sensitive. But I think of the hours I waited in California while my students were attending classes during a cultural exchange – ditto in North Carolina – or the harried visits to D.C. with my husband waiting downstairs impatiently in the car.

I resent the birth control because I feel it was in my life under false pretenses; if it’s taken me four months to get pregnant then were all those convoluted plans over the last three years of my marriage wasted, including the only time I’ve been angry with one of my bridesmaids for not fulfilling an out of state prescription before showing up for the rehearsal dinner?

We’ll see. For now I’m contemplating the radical idea of no more birth control in life. No more pounds (or at least not as many).